All the lost socks you have ever known have secret meetings where they gather once a year, rent out a hotel conference-room, and make fun of you.
Some of them were lost by accidents you could not prevent, but many others were your fault. Socks down the back of sofas, accidentally thrown out with the rubbish, misplaced in laundrettes, etc.
But a proportion of the socks – more than you'd think – ran away from you intentionally. They didn't like you. They didn't like the way your feet smelled, or their clammy texture. They didn't like the damp when you stepped carelessly into yet another puddle. After such a shocking ordeal the socks craved the warmth of a radiator, but often would not receive it. Instead you would throw them, still damp, into the laundry hamper to fester and rot.
All of your lost socks – odd socks, mostly, for it is difficult to escape in pairs – congregate for these meetings. Over the years, it has become the one reliable public holiday for the socks. They do not celebrate Christmas, because of the barbaric practice wherein stockings are stuffed and hanged. Thanksgiving makes no sense to American socks, much in the same way that it makes no sense to nonAmerican everyone else. Birthdays aren't a thing for socks – mostly due to the fact that socks do not give birth and are not born. Also, it's a total nightmare trying to find out the date on which any specific sock was made. But this holiday, where the socks just hang out and make fun of you – yeah, they're down for that. It's a low-stress, peaceful occasion.
For these events, the definition of “sock” is stretched quite widely, to be as inclusive as possible of all misplaced foot-adornments. This includes not just socks but also slippers, moccasins, and, in rare cases, shoes and sandals. When it comes to the making-fun-of-you part, moccasins are particularly adept – at mockery, they're naturals. Jock Mockasin, the funniest moccasin of them all, has been chairman of the roast for the past three years in a row.
Common jokes at your expense include:
– You rarely wash your feet.
– Sometimes you have trouble getting your foot into a welly boot. Not because the foot is too big, or the boot too small, but because you're clumsy and stupid.
– Early in the morning you often can't remember how to tie your shoelaces.
– You often wear the same pair of socks for several days in a row because you're too lazy to do the laundry.
– Clashing socks. There is nothing that socks find funnier than when a person wilfully chooses to wear two socks of clashing colour or pattern. Except when it looks cool, which it sometimes does.
– “Hey, guys, maybe instead of a laundrette where they take us socks when we're stinky, there should be some kinda mandrette where we take stinkin' humans to wash their mouths out with soap! Am I right or am I right?” – Carol Sockston, aged 37 and a half.
– “Two socks walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says, 'Is that a human in your pocket, or did something die in here? This place stinks!'” – Donny Heale, 48, Aberdeen.
– You should cut your toenails more often. Really, your gnarled foot-claws are making holes in your socks, and they don't like it. It doesn't hurt, because they have no nervous systems, but it's insulting. Have some respect.
– “What's a sock's favourite alcoholic drink? Sock-i!” – Timothy Wool, 21, Manchester.
“Get out of here, Tim. You're drunk.” – everyone
– The callus on your left big toe looks like your grandfather's face. Once you see it, you can't unsee it.
– “I watched TV once. Terrible! The amount of stinkin' humans on that thing? I swear to God...”