You might think Santa Claus chooses to wear that big, ridiculous beard of his. You'd be right. But it's not exactly a free choice. It is not a beard of whim, but of necessity.
There are many plausible reasons why Santa might want a beard. For one thing, it's very cold in Lapland. The air could freeze your face right off. Except for one thing – Santa is magical. If he can be in millions of places at once and fly around on magic reindeer, presumably he can magically control his temperature. He could shave if he wanted. He'd still be warm enough, I bet. Hey, maybe he could wear shorts and a t-shirt and be warm enough. No matter how cold outside.
Anyway, we've established that temperature is not the purpose for Santa's beard. No, no. The true answer is quite straightforward, but also utterly horrifying. You see, the beard is not to keep his chin warm, but rather to cover up the skin beneath. Etched on his chin, behind the forest of white hair, lurks something abysmal. Something truly, unspeakably horrible.
You'd have to see it to believe it. And no-one ever has. Not even Mrs Claus knows what's under there. But I know. I know, cos I know everything. Hey, I'm an omniscient narrator. Cut me some slack. Just trust me, OK? You're going to want to hear this.
See, the truth about Santa's beard is...
he grew it to cover up an Insane Clown Posse tattoo.
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