Mince Pies

So, why did they stop putting meat in mince pies?

Most scholars agree it was a consequence of the law change in 1856, which brought the consumption of elf-meat under existing anti-cannibalism legislation. With the introduction of heavy fines, people were dissuaded from capturing and eating Santa's helpers at Christmas time (as had been the tradition). As such, with elf-meat in short supply, people turned to the alternative foodstuff which best approximates the odd taste of elf-flesh – which is, of course, fruit spiced with nutmeg and cinnamon.

Needless to say, the elves were pleased. Of all the pastimes a living creature can enjoy, “not being eaten” is at least in the top five. But never, ever utter the phrase “mince pie” in the presence of an elf. It's incredibly offensive. Something to bear in mind next time you take a trip up to the North Pole to see what all the fuss is about.

Anyway, after this legal shift, Santa Claus was forced to change his business practices. No longer could he force the elves in his factory to manufacture meat pies using the flesh of their dead relatives. After Mr Claus switched to putting the weird, fruity gunk in his mince pies, the rest of the industry soon followed.

It's widely believed that there's a secret club of millionaires who still dine on elf-meat every Christmas time. Indeed, there have been rumours that Santa himself is one of them. This is impossible to prove, however. Santa's legal team are pretty rock-solid. I mean, after he saw The Santa Clause, he lawyered up pretty quick.

There have been reports of people finding paper notes inside their mince pies, which say something along the lines of “Help, they're eating us.” Pretty unappetising stuff. But these reports are unconfirmed. Santa's legal team have instructed us to dismiss them as rumours.